Herman Cain suspended his campaing today. He plans to pursue various relationships he put on hold during his bid for the White House.

Cain elaborated on the rationale behind his announcement with reporters. “As a presidential candidate, I was forced to spend a lot more time with my wife of 43 years, Gloria, than we are used to. This was difficult for me, and many of the women I am pursuing relationships with. I was getting like 50 or 60 calls a day from campaign staff, limiting the time I had to schedule appointments with my lady friends” explained the former candidate. “I had all this junk about uzbeki paki stani stan stan stan twirling around in my head I even forgot the number of someone I met just two days ago in New Mexico.  As you can imagine, this is unacceptable to me.” Cain went on to say that while he thanks his campaign staff for their efforts, he must focus his attention on his “real supporters”, the countless women he has been inattentive towards during his bid for the White House. “I have been in deep prayer hoping they have not forgotten me” he added.

Some are speculating that by suspending his campaign, Cain is leaving the door open to reenter the race at a later date, or create some leverage for joining the eventual Republican nominee as a vice-presidential candidate. To these rumors Cain was forceful and direct “I have no further political ambition at this time and have suspended my campaign and not officially ended it because I believe it could serve as a vehicle for meeting more women in the future.”

Newt Gingrich continues to enjoy surging poll numbers heading into the Republican presidential primary season. Here the former house speaker explains that he believes in accountability for politicians not named "Newt Gingrich."

While surprised by increased interest in his campaign, Gingrich was frank with reporters outside a campaign stop in Iowa. “I believe I will continue to enjoy this recent surge in support until the media focuses on me more closely to reveal how ethically compromised and hypocritical I really am,” explained Gingrich “after which, I expect those poll numbers to drop as people become increasingly disgusted with me as a person and a politician.” When asked to elaborate on his statement, he gave a few specific examples including how he “had an affair with an intern in my office 23 years younger than me at the same time I was leading the effort to impeach President Clinton for having an affair with an intern many years younger than him.” Gingrich later added “well its not like I divorced my wife while she was lying in a hospital bed with cancer – oh wait, I did do that as well.”

Most recently Gingrich received criticism for a $1.6 million consultancy project for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, two home lending organizations he continues to harshly criticize. He explained the apparent contradiction to reporters.  ”Let me be clear, I do not believe that I should be held accountable like normal people. This is because I do not have a single shred of humility or ethical fiber left inside me – I am literally a hollow shell of a man. This makes it both easy and acceptable for me to publicly and vociferously attack others for doing the same thing I have done in the past for personal financial and political benefit.”

Gilad Shalit's parents, Aviva and Noam, are seen here with New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg. It is not known whether any of the Palestinian prisoners released have parents.

EP: Jerusalem – Gilad Shalit, the Israeli soldier held captive by Hamas  since 2006, was released on October 18th in exchange for 1,027 Palestinian prisoners who have no names. At a press conference in Gaza city, a number of the recently released prisoners addressed the issue in front of a handful of reporters. “We realize that by giving us names, the media will ultimately turn us into human beings” said prisoner #254, “and we understand that releasing us and recognizing our humanity is probably too much to ask for all at once.”

Other prisoners were less understanding of their portrayal in the media. “They can broadcast interviews with Shalit’s mother and all they can show of us is a man with a face mask waving a gun? Could someone please interview my mom?” asked Prisoner #498.
While there remains no effort currently underway to learn the name of any of the Palestinian prisoners, a subset of the group have been described in more detail as either “militants” or “murderers.” Andrew Jones, a staff writer for the New York Times covering the Middle East, believes this only further demonstrates how Israel values life, and how Palestinians are mired in a cult of death. “You see, the Israelis are willing to let out these murderers just to save one life, whereas the Palestinians can do nothing but murder people” Jones explained.

Anders Behring Breivik confessed to recently murdering more than 80 people in Norway. Despite the attacks, many white males are not concerned about ethnic profiling. Breivik is seen here posing for an Abercrombie & Fitch advertisement.

Despite the fact that Breivik’s murderous rampage is considered by some to be most horrific terrorist act by an individual in modern times, most blond-haired, blue-eyed white men do not expect their ethnicity to be associated with the attacker. “Lets put it this way” said Fred Whitacre III, the CEO of a large aviation parts manufacturing company based in Newark, New Jersey, “when I walked into work this morning, I did not feel like I had to apologize on behalf of white people for this terrible atrocity.” Whitacre is a six foot tall white man with blond hair and blue eyes.

Jeff Jones, an anthropologist at American University in Washington DC, expects that white males will continue to enjoy the priveleges that white males have enjoyed for the better part of human civlization. “I do not forsee any sea-change in how the world views white males” he explained, “I expect we will continue to see them enjoy status, wealth and political power for decades, if not centuries, to come.”

There are some who believe that only the actions of non-white individuals can be interpreted as representative of their larger race or religious community. Dr. Fred Johnson of the American Enterprise Institute has researched this phenomenon and concluded in a recent report that ”whenever a white man does something bad, there is an implicit assumption that his actions were informed by unique circumstances specfic to that particular individual. This is not the case for non-white criminals, whose actions clearly represent deep-seated, perhaps even genetic, predispositions to violence, crime, stupidity or general evilness.”

Herman Cain questioned whether Muslims can be considered human beings at a press conference earlier today. Cain believes his comments cannot be bigotted because he himself is black.

Jesse Johnson, a political science professor at Tennesse State University, beleives that Cain’s argument regarding the humanity of Muslims will play well with the Republican base. “For some Republicans, Herman Cain is the ideal candidate. He is able to openly articulate bigotted perspectives against Islam and Muslims commonplace in the right-wing of the Republican party, but is immune to the typical charges of racism and bigotry often leveled against white candidates who espouse similar views. He is, in a sense, the best of both worlds” argued Johnson.

Cain reiterated that the only religious community in America that deserves to have its humanity challenged are Muslims. He argued that all other religions are perfectly compatible with being human. “Especially the Jewish religion, they are definitely human – and I am completely open to accepting their campaign donations” he added. When questioned whether his opposition to Shariah (Islamic law) would extend to Jewish law commonly practiced in the United States, he responded by rhetorically asking whether ”the 9/11 hijackers were Jewish or Muslim?” Cain also claimed that he thinks opposing mosque construction will stimulate job growth through “divine providence.”

Stella Edwards, a longtime Republican voter from Murfreesboro was glad to hear Cain’s stance on the Mosque and said she would be open to voting for the candidate come primary season. “To be honest, at this point I am more afraid of terrorist Muslims than I am of black people, so I may give this one a chance.” she added.

Donald Trump explains to reporters that by embracing racism as political platform, he will appeal to large numbers of racist voters.

“Look, lets be honest. I don’t have any facts to back up my claims” said Trump, “but it doesn’t really matter because when I say Obama is not qualified to get into an Ivy League school, I am channeling votes from all the white people who are bitter about not getting into Ivy League schools and want to blame the Black guy who took their spot because of affirmative action. Obama is that Black guy that took your spot at Harvard even through he didnt deserve it.” Trump further clarified his statement, “There are a lot of people out there who think there is no way a black person can get into an Ivy League school based on merit. I am one of those people.”

Trump’s popularity has soared amongst Republican hopefuls. He credits his no-nonsense business instincts and natural political skill. “I am popular because I am openly  hostile towards Barack Obama not because he is a democrat, but because he is Black” stated Trump. Even Republican strategists believe this is the key to Trumps unprecedented popularity amongst prospective Republicans voters. Fred Jones, a political consultant for the Republican National Committee, argues that Trump has broken through to the Republican base “by establishing racism as a political platform.” He explained that while most other candidates continue to “tip-toe” around the issue, Trump “succeeds because he is not afraid to address the latent racism of the Republican base by embracing it and celebrating it as an important part of American patriotism.”

Trump, who inherited his real esate business from his father, remains a long-shot candidate but continues to draw notice from the voting public. “This country is not majority minorty yet” added Trump.

The FBI announced earlier today that Azim Ali, seen here walking down the street, has no connection to terrorism.

After being cleared of all links to terrorism, Mr. Ali returned home to a small parade that formed  in front of his home. Neighbors who he claimed “never gave me the time of day” welcomed the 44 year-old Peoria resident with a spontaneous outpouring of joy. “I am so glad this man is not a terrorist” said Beth Monroe, a retired school teacher who lived next door to Mr. Ali for 35 years and always suspected him of ties to radical organizations. “To be honest it was a combination of his name and his skin color that really got me thinking. I just didn’t feel like he was patriotic. But now that the government has cleared him, really what do I have to worry about?”

The probe into Mr. Ali is part of a larger effort by the FBI to investigate the entire population of Muslim Americans in an effort to remove a creeping suspicion on the part of regular Americans that their Muslim neighbors are “evil.”

“It is not fair for Muslim Americans to live in this country under suspicion, so we are going to go out there and clear their names by investigating every single one of them to prove they are not terrorists” said former Homeland Security Chief Micheal Chertoff. Chertoff, who previously made a small fortune selling high-priced x-ray scanners to American airports, is providing logistics and consulting services to the FBI effort for an undisclosed amount of money.

Azim Ali declined to comment for reporters and asked to be left alone. He was last seen collecting several American flags posted on his lawn from the celebration earlier today.

Long time leader of Libya, Muammar Gaddafi, is a big fan of the 1983 film Scarface, and is reported to a poster from the film hanging in his office.

The 1983 American epic crime drama, directed by Brian De Palma and starring Al Pacino,   tells the story of Tony Montana (Pacino), a fictional Cuban refugee who comes to Miami and joins a drug cartel during the 1980′s cocaine boom. The movie chronicles his rise to the top of city’s drug empire. The final scene depicts Montana, in a cocaine-fueled rage, making his last stand with an M-16 and grenade launcher. Montana is eventually killed after being shot multiple times by rival drug lords.

Gaddafi informed reporters that he prepared for his speech to the nation by watching a continuous loop of his favorite scenes from the film. When asked how he expects to govern Libya when large swaths of the country are now under the control of opposition forces, Gaddafi wiped excess powder from his nose and responded “In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.”

Aides to the embattled leader said Gaddafi is preparing to defend himself from all possible attacks by murdering all opposition members. As a means of galvanizing his supporters, he is expected to release video of himself indiscriminately firing at pedestrians while yelling the phrase ”You wanna play rough?! Okay! Say ello to my lil friend!”

Hillary Clinton responded to Gaddafi’s comments by joining the international community in condemning violence in all its forms and reiterated her belief that making this statement will bring an end to the bloodshed.

King Abdullah of Jordan and former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak discuss bunk-bed arrangements for their expected exiles in Saudi Arabia.

Saudi Arabia has gained a reputation as the destination of choice for exiled Muslim tyrants, providing  a generous stipend to compensate for any frozen assets. A number of disgraced former strong men including Idi Amin of Uganda and most recently, ousted Tunisian President Zine el Abidine Ben Ali have taken advantage of the program. Prior to being thrown out of office by his people, Hosni Mubarak was personally invited by King Abdullah to join the group. The King’s office confirmed the invitation is still in place.

King Abdullah of Jordan formally announced that he is applying for the program. “I have all the paperwork in order, I just need to get two passport size photos and I should be all set” he informed reporters. The Jordanian King is facing a series of street protests calling for reform and greater accountability, which he has responded to with largely cosmetic and ceremonial actions. Some question whether the Jordanian King has been responsible for enough murder and oppression to qualify for the visa given his relatively short tenure as King. “I am crossing my fingers, but I think my credentials speak for themselves.” In particular, Abdullah believes his self-serving and duplicitous actions in support of the Israeli occupation of Palestine will ensure approval.

At the same time, some Arab leaders are questioning whether the application process is worth the time. “Saudi could be next” said an Arab despot who wished to remain anonymous.

The program has also received criticism from migrant workers in the country. Jamshed Aziz, a Pakistani cab driver who has lived in Saudi Arabia for thirty years without residency status, said “Instead of earning a decent living, I should have spent the last three decades terrorizing a population of Muslims. Then maybe these people would treat me like a human being.”

Newly appointed Egyptian Vice President Omar Suleiman congratulates Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu on bulldozing several Palestinian homes.

However, some within the administration see an opportunity to satisfy protester demands without actually changing the underlying political situation in the country. “We like this guy Omar Suleiman” said the official referring to the newly appointed Vice President, close confidant of Mubarak and potential future President, “I think we could get along with him just fine.” Suleiman is well known to American and Israeli officials for running their rendition and torture operations inside Egypt. “This also means a likely return of soaring and eloquent rhetoric for democratic reform in the Middle East from our President” he added.

Speaking to the nation earlier today, President Obama sought to calm the fears of Israeli diplomats and oil executives by assuring them US policy towards the troubled nation and the region will not change that much,  “Just like our children deserve that we do everything we can to make sure America lives up to their expectations” echoing his well received Arizona speech, “America deserves a new Egyptian government that allows us to pursue our interests in the region without having to worry about Egyptian citizens rioting in the streets.” Obama concluded by condemning violence in all its forms.