EP: NYC – Lost in the populist uproar over securing consumer’s rights, a group of bankers in NYC have formed a new association called Human Rights for Bankers (HRB). HRB is currently lobbying congress for the establishment of a new federal agency that will protect the basic rights of bankers from growing populist outrage. “We have all the same problems as every else” says Evan Kurtz, one of the founding members of the group, “while most of us are divorced and don’t have normal families, we do have hefty alimony payments. We have multiple car payments and a lot of us are covering a second mortgage on vacation homes” he explained. “It is totally unfair that consumers would be afforded a protection agency while bankers are left out in the cold. We are human beings like anyone else, if you prick us do we not bleed?.” Kurtz was referring to the Consumer Financial Protection Agency, the proposed Federal agency at the center of the Obama administration’s attempt to reform the financial system.
In this image a banker is made to look evil and menacing. A new grassroots movement of bankers seeks to confront prejudice against the banking community.
HRB claims that anger over bonuses for bankers in the wake of the recent financial crisis has created a hostile climate towards the group that requires immediate government intervention. “America has a history of demonizing minorities, and given the scary level of rhetoric that we see on the blogs and the airwaves, I really feel like we need to address this situation before it escalates” said James Worthington III, from his Westchester estate several miles outside Manhattan. Worthington is a senior vice president with Citibank and has golfed with President Obama on numerous occasions. “It is not much different than what the Blacks, Jews and other ethnic types experienced, this kind of hate-filled rhetoric knows no color. We need to confront this kind of demonization directly.” he added.
However, not all agree that bankers require a new agency to ensure their rights. “This is complete nonsense” argues Andrew Smith, a consumer advocate and proponent of a new Consumer Protection Agency, “if these people get this through Congress we all might as well adopt banking practices from Nigerian email scams. Its really no different at this point.”
Kurtz dismissed such concerns. “There will always be a fringe communist groups who want to abolish our market economy” he explained. Far more concerned with getting his organization off the ground, he went right back into articulating why there needs to be a banker’s rights movement. “We need our human rights secured, including our right to be paid bonuses according to market rates and our right to be free of threatening hate speech. I mean the way words like ‘greedy’ and ‘opportunistic’ are thrown around, its as if we are in 1960’s Mobile, Alabama.” The HRB is also lobbying congress to ban all “hate speech” directed towards bankers, loosely defined as any speech that could incite violence against the banking community or diminish their profits.
Max Baucus, a democratic senator for Minnesota, believes that its important to protect minority rights and is firmly behind the banker’s movement. “Was it not Jefferson who said something about not being held hostage to the tyranny of the majority? We need to make sure all our citizens are protected” argued the senator, who was the keynote speaker at the most recent National Mortgage Banker’s annual convention.
Credit Card Industry Promotes New Card Based on Slavery to Stem Mounting Criticism
February 17, 2010
EP: NYC – In an effort to stem the rising chorus of criticism leveled at the credit card industry, the North American Credit Card Association (NACCA) is promoting a new credit card it believes will be a “win win” for both consumers and beleaguered credit card companies. The new product, which is currently being tested in certain markets across the country, is called Serfcard™, recalling the European feudal labor practice that helped fuel the global economy during the Middle Ages. The primary innovation of Serfcard™ is that consumers who fall into a spiral of debt, due to unforseen circumstances such as a chronic illness or a similar situation, will be elligible for 100% debt forgiveness if they simply accept a life of slavery to the originating credit card company. “The consumers have spoken, and we hear them loud and clear” said Albert Smith, VP of corporate communications for NACCA, “and we believe Serfcard™ is the answer to their concerns. Never before has a credit card offered 100% debt forgiveness for people who have fallen on hard economic times.”
The new Serfcard™ hopes to help struggling families get out of debt by forgiving delinquent credit in exchange for a lifetime of servitude.
Serfcard™ will work like most other credit cards, except in cases where the borrower is unable to make minimum payments for more than three months. This triggers the “serf” clause in the credit card contract where all debt on the credit card is forgiven in exchange for a lifetime of servitude to the originating company. “We do not have any slaves yet, as the product is relatively new on the market, so we are still experimenting how exactly the slaves will be used to help the credit card industry weather this financial crisis” added Smith who has encouraged his groundskeeper and maid at his Westchester mansion to try out the new card.
According to the Serfcard™ contract, once the credit card user defaults and agrees to have his or her debt forgiven, that individual must work in whatever capacity requested by the card issuer and forgo any compensation he or she may receive until death. “Its a risk for us as well, because you can imagine most of the people who we target for this kind of card are poor, unskilled and probably don’t have a long life expectancy. But we are also hoping to snag a few college graduates who mismanage their college loans. That is when I think we can make a solid return on investment” explained Smith.
Despite NACCA’s upbeat perspective on the new program, consumer rights groups are expressing deep concern over the direction the industry is headed. “These people are insane” remarked Jill Edgerton, a consumer advocate who works with US PIRG, a consumer rights group founded by Ralph Nader. Congress was not as quick to dismiss the utility of the card. “We should not jump to conclusions, just because it says ’slave’ in the fine print does not mean it is all bad” said Congressman Jeb Hensarling (R) from Texas who recently argued that it was okay for card companies to raise interest rates without notice. “Besides, I have an election to win this year I have not seen any contributions from people who have defaulted on their credit cards.”
Malaysian PM Najib Accused of Molesting Monkey
February 5, 2010
EP: Kuala Lumpur – In another shocking revelation to rock the scandal-ridden nation of Malaysia, Prime Minister Najib Razak has been accused by a Kuala Lumpur-based monkey of molesting him during a late night encounter several weeks ago. The monkey, a 120 pound orangutan ape, regularly loitered outside the Prime Minister’s residence in Seri Perdana snacking on leaves and observing passersby. Lawyers representing the monkey claim that over a period of several weeks from September to December of 2009, the orangutan caught the eye of the Prime Minister who proceeded to lure the monkey into his home with bananas. “We believe that our client has been grossly violated by the Prime Minister who used his position of power to have his way with him” stated Azwan Hassan, an attorney for the ape, “he left a trail of bananas leading directly to his bedroom. Once our client was inside, he shut the door behind him, closed the blinds and proceeded to fondle our client for several hours.”
Prime Minister Najib Razak (lower image) faces molestation allegations from a Kuala Lumpur-based Orangutan. The Orangutan's face has been pixelated to protect his identity.
Hassan said that the ape is suing the Prime Minister for 100 million ringgits to compensate for emotional and physical trauma suffered during the encounter. “Our client remains in a debilitated emotional state and suffered significant physical trauma as well. He has been largely shunned by the larger orangutan community in Kuala Lumpur once word of the molestation became known.” Hasan also revealed some shocking details of the encounter. The alleged molester, Prime Minister Najib, was apparently dressed in only a silk smoking jacket and forced the monkey to remain seated in his lap while the sordid affair unfolded.
A spokesman for the Prime Minister refused to acknowledge the incident and claimed the accusations were part of a political plot by the opposition party to weaken Najib’s standing in the country in advance of the next elections. However, sources inside the Prime Minister’s office are quietly creating a new narrative around the shocking revelations. An aide to the Prime Minister told reporters that the monkey was “clearly flaunting himself in front of the Prime Minister, walking around the neighborhood naked.”
Nik Azim, an independent political consultant in Kuala Lumpur, is arguing that the Prime Minister is preparing for the possibility that the allegations may ultimately be proven true. “Its obvious what is going on here, the Prime Minister saw a monkey he could not resist and now he is spinning the incident to make it seem like it was the monkey’s fault. That orangutan should be happy he has not been blown to pieces yet” he explained, making reference to Najib’s habit of exploding would-be political scandals.
See Also: Sodomy trial of Malaysia’s Anwar starts (Washington Post)
The Devil Sues Pat Robertson for Breach of Contract
January 18, 2010
A lawsuit filed by the devil in a Virginia district court claims that Pat Robertson is the party with an actual contractual relationship with satan.
EP: Virginia Beach – The devil filed a lawsuit in the Virginia Beach district court on Thursday suing Pat Robertson for breach of contract. “Pat Robertson has broken the terms of our agreement with him” said Arthur B. Ellzebub, an attorney for satan, “His public comments regarding various pacts we may or may not be involved in is in clear violation of the non-disclosure agreement we signed with him 36 years ago.” Ellzebub went on to explain that the controversy surrounding Robertson’s comments about the recent tragedy in Haiti is creating significant confusion as to whom exactly has a contractual relationship with the devil. Ellzebub clarified the issue when he explained that “Mr. Robertson first approached us seeking fame, fortune and power, and we agreed to grant him all these things in exchange for a series of services. These services include manipulating the faith of millions of believers for our political and financial gain and projecting himself in the mainstream media as a complete ass. While his work on both fronts over the years has been exemplary, we must enforce our deals to the letter. For this reason, the devil has decided to sue Mr. Robertson. “
In response to a question regarding the devil’s relationship with Haiti, Ellzebub answered “While I am not at liberty to divulge any of satan’s legal relationships, I can say that the devil prefers working with individuals like Mr. Robertson and quite frankly we do not have the legal resources to make such an arrangement with an entire nation.”
Robertson was not immediately available for comment. However his attorneys did release the following statement: “Mr. Robertson denies any relationship past or present with the devil. However, if there so happens to be evidence of any interaction with satan, the explanation for this would be that the devil had tricked Mr. Robertson into believing he was someone else.”
See Also:
EP: Duabi – An Afghan grain dealer, Mohammed Shahpoor, has been convicted in a United Arab Emirates court of repeatedly running into the fist and torture instruments of Sheikh Issa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, the half brother of Abu Dhabi’s president. The decision was handed down after Sheikh Issa was cleared of all counts of torture stemming from the same altercation between the two individuals in 2004. The incident became internationally known when a videotape of the event was broadcast on ABC News. “I was standing in the desert with my cattle prod, my rusted-nail board and my clenched fist minding my own business” explained Sheikh Issa to reporters outside the courthouse, “and this Afghan man came out of nowhere and repeatedly bludgeoned himself on my fist and various accessories. When I tried to drive away, he ran right under the tires. What really shocked me was when he tried to sodomize himself on my cattle prod. I mean really, what has the world come to?”
In this screen grab from the video of the altercation between Sheikh Issa an Afghan grain dealer, the Afghan is seen capturing sand in his mouth and spitting it onto Sheikh Issa.
Sheikh Issa became visibly upset when a reporter asked him whether Shahpoor’s human rights had been violated. “What about my rights?” Issa yelled back “what about my right to carry around my cattle prod in the desert without being molested?” When asked what he will do now that he was exonerated of all charges, Sheikh Issa responded by saying “I’ll probably beat the hell out of some immigrants.”
Shahpoor, who was fined 10,000 dirhams for inconveniencing Sheikh Issa, will be sentenced for the more serious crime of “Damaging Royal Property” in the next six weeks. The cattle prod remains inoperable. Several legal experts say that the Afghan will likely receive the death penalty. “Actually, a state-administered death is probably the best Mr. Shahpoor can hope for at this point, because if he is released back into the public Shekh Issa will probably kill him in his own way” said Jamal Said, a professor of Law at the University of Dubai. Shahpoor was unavailable for comment after the trial as he was bussed to a nearby construction site. “The UAE needs to squeeze as much manual labor out of him as they can before he is dead” said a court official who was responsible for prisoner transfers.
Some outside observers are hailing the trial as a landmark event and a sign of increasing judicial independence on the part of the court system. “Many criticize legal institutions inside the UAE because laws are formulated by the royal family on an ad-hoc basis and then promulgated by judges who are appointed by the same royal family” explained Cedric Johnson, a legal expert who has written a book on UAE judicial system , “but what we see here is a royal family member who was actually accused of a crime, stood trial and abided by the verdict. It clearly demonstrates the increasing robustness of institutions in the UAE.”
See:
Emirati court clears Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nahayan of torture (Times Online)
ABC News Exclusive: Torture Tape Implicates UAE Royal Sheikh (ABC News)
EP: Washington DC – In a follow up to his January 3rd announcement on Fox news Sunday , Lt. Gen. Thomas McInerney (retired) offered an even more radical solution for improving national security. “We need to strip search all Muslim boys flying inside, to or from the United States” he said “and I mean really really strip search them.” McInerney also offered his services in working with TSA officials to develop a standardized approach for the new policy. “I want to be directly and personally involved in performing the first 500 or so procedures so I am satisfied that what we are doing at the airports will make our country safer.”
Lt. Gen. Thomas McInerney has offered his services to oversee strip-search policies for young Muslim boys.
McInerney drew criticism from civil rights groups and Muslim communities for suggesting the invasive procedure for all Muslim males between the ages of 18 and 28. His new call for disrobing Muslim boys is drawing even stronger criticism from children’s rights groups. Stephani Ross, a child rights advocate, said that she is working with law enforcement to closely monitor Lt. Gen. McInerney’s internet traffic. “We are closely watching Lt. Gen. McInerney’s web browsing habits. We believe his interest in strip-searching is a slippery slope.” Chris Hansen, the host of broadcast news magazine Dateline on NBC who previously conducted a series of investigations on child predators, responded to McInerney’s latest announcement, “You know I have seen stranger people walk through that door, so its better to be safe than sorry.” McInerney dismissed criticism as inherently dangerous and largely a result of political correctness. He responded by saying “Mark my words, this country will be safer if we follow my approach. I am currently reviewing tape of various strip-search procedures and will publish a full report of my findings shortly.”
See:
FOX News Guest: ‘Strip Search All 18-28-Year-Old Muslim Men At Airports’
Cuba Disappointed by “Security Threat” Designation
January 5, 2010
Cuban Foreign Minister Bruno Parilla expresses disappointment towards the US decision to include Cuba on the Security Threat list. He claimed this is no different than "beating up a Sikh guy because he wears a turban."
EP: Havana – In a statement issued to newspapers this morning, Cuban foreign minister Bruno Parilla expressed strong disappointment with the Obama administration’s decision to include Cuba on the list of countries that are considered a “security risk.” According to the Transportation Security Administration in the United States, all airline passengers traveling from or through any of these countries will be subject to “full body pat downs.” The measure is a response to the failed Christmas day bombing attempted by Nigerian passenger Umar Farouk Abdul Mutaleb on Delta flight 253.
“This is outrageous,” said the Cuban Foreign Minister, “have you guys seen the other countries on the list? They are all a bunch of Muslims, except us. I mean come on – that is like beating up a Sikh guy because he wears a turban. Its so unfair.” The list of countries, in addition to Cuba, include Afghanistan, Algeria, Iraq, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Nigeria, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Sudan, Syria and Yemen. “I mean if they were going to include us, then they should have at least thrown in North Korea, but to lump us together with these crazy Muslim countries is such a low blow. I don’t see Cubans running around America blowing up planes and talking about taking over the world.”
Cuba’s relations with the United States have been strained for many decades, however recent cultural exchanges as well as the transition of power from Fidel Castro to his brother Raul have given some hope for the possibility of rapprochement between the two longtime adversaries. “This is so lame” added the Parilla, “just throwing us on the list as the token ‘non-Muslim’ country to make it look like they are not targeting just the crazy Muslim countries is not fair to the people of Cuba.”
Officials inside Obama administration refused to acknowledge or deny the claim that Cuba was added to make it seem like Muslims were not being targeted exclusively. However, one senior administration official who did not want to be identified, did tell reporters that “confiscating Cuban cigars was not their top priority.”
See: Angry Cuba demands removal from U.S. terrorism list (Reuters)
Impressionable Young Muslim Finds Source for Misplaced Rage
December 28, 2009
EP: NYC – Aziz Ali, a young college-aged hipster, informed his Facebook friends today via email that he is dissatisfied with the state of the world. Ali, who was writing from his parent’s home in Manhattan’s upper eastside, remained disillusioned with what he perceives as gross “injustice” against Muslims. “You of course have Chechnya and Kashmir” he explained while sipping a Caribou Coffee latte, “but when I think about which global injustice I should demonstrate sanctimonious rage towards while pursuing my career in either investment banking or derivatives trading, I think that right now it has to be Palestine.”
Aziz Ali, who changed his name for the interview, is seen here strolling to his college campus. Ali wished to remain anonymous in case this story adversely impacted his chances at an internship with JP Morgan over the summer.
Ali, who grew up attending a private college preparatory school in Westchester county, is not entirely sure where Palestine is in the world, nor is he familiar with the details of the Arab-Israeli conflict, but he is adamant that his parents are not doing enough for his Palestinian brothers. “Its pathetic, they just go about their lives treating their cancer patients as if everything is normal – they are such sellouts” said Ali who recently demonstrated his independence by paying for his own cell phone from his $1,000 per month allowance. For his part, Ali has dedicated ten minutes every day to forwarding emails with pictures of dead Palestinians to his friends.
While initially hesitant to do an interview, Ali later relented when he realized that he did not have to use his real name. “I mean come on, I am applying for an internship at JP Morgan this summer and one of the recruiters could google me and see this stuff about Palestine and you know how all bankers are Jay E Double Yous” he explained. “I feel like channeling my anger towards an abstract notion of western domination helps alleviate the true sense of insecurity I feel about myself and my privileged life. Palestine helps me do that, so for right now I really think we need to free Palestine.”
Tom Friedman Checks into Five Star Hotel, Gets Idea for New Book
December 16, 2009
Friedman contemplates the Beijing skyline from his Hilton hotel room and conjures up his next book.
EP: Beijing – Staring out the window of his deluxe presidential suite on the 25th floor of the Hilton in downtown Beijing, Thomas Friedman, the Pulitzer Prize winning author and New York Times columnist, found the inspiration for his next book. ” ‘ The World is Getting Smoky,’ ” he remarked to himself as he quickly scribbled the idea for a title on a hotel napkin. “When I look out this window I see a lot of smog. You know what that means? It means the world is getting smoky and if we don’t get our collective acts together, its going to get a heck of a lot smokier.” Friedman is widely regarded as one of the most influential public thinkers in the world today, his thoughts and insights regularly shape the public debate on some of the most pressing issues of our time. “What we really need to understand is what we are doing right now is like stepping off an airplane while it is going full speed under water” explained Friedman, “once our lungs fill with water we wont have a chance to talk about these issues and it will be too late, the world will be too smoky. ” Friedman’s ability to explain complex problems in simple terms so that his readers feel they are smart for buying his books has been critical in shaping how many view our rapidly changing globalized world. “If these people in these smoky countries don’t do anything about it I think we will have no choice buy to invade and kill a few of them until they get it right” he added demonstrating how he can not only explain things, but also come up with practical solutions.
“Imagine a world where everyone is a sea lion, and then imagine that world if the only way sea lions can get around is on a bicycle. You see where we are headed? Sea lions don’t have feet, so we cant peddle the bicycles. If we don’t solve this smokiness problem, we are all in for a tough bike ride.” Friedman confirmed his observations of the world during a late dinner on the 2nd floor of the Hilton: “Why does everyone here look Chinese?” he asked himself. “I thought I was in Dubai.”
Zardari Seeks to Streamline Corruption, Help People of Pakistan
December 8, 2009
President Zardari is all smiles after he is informed of the current balance in his bank account.
EP: Islamabad - In an effort to expedite the release of donor funds from the Kerry-Lugar bill allocated for social and economic development in Pakistan, President Zardari has proposed a new process for delivering aid to the government. “It is no secret that much of the foreign aid delivered to Pakistan is lost in a maze of corruption and deceit” said Zardari in a meeting with reporters at his office in Islamabad. “Today I am proposing a new system that will reduce corruption and ensure a greater share of funds for the people of Pakistan.”
The President explained that most of the wasted funds are caught up in a complex series of transactions required to allocate a portion of the funds from the government bank accounts to his own personal Swiss account. Zardari’s proposal establishes a plan to eliminate these wasted funds by structuring all aid disbursements so that 25% of payments are directly deposited into his personal Swiss account while the remaining 75% is sent to local government agencies and organizations working on the ground for the people.
“Lets face it, we all know I am going to steal money one way or another. That’s really what I do. This way the process of stealing becomes more efficient and streamlined. What happens now is that I have to pretend that all the money will go to the people. This creates a situation where I then must bribe various lower level officials to ensure that the necessary funds reach my personal account. By cutting out the middle men, I believe I will save the Pakistani people millions of dollars in lost bribes.”
Zardari produced a Power Point presentation that compares the existing corruption process with his new streamlined approach. Zardari argued that in a typical $100 million power plant deal, normally the people would only get around $50 million towards the actual power plant. Under the Zardari plan, the people could expect up to 75% of the funds, or almost $75 million while the President pockets the balance. “That is a great deal for the people of Pakistan and I am going to dedicate my administration to make sure that it happens.”
In this screen capture of his Power Point presentation to reporters, Zardari explains how his streamlined corruption program will save money for the people of Pakistan (click for larger image)
Zardari has not yet received a response from USAID officials regarding his proposal, but is confident it will be positive. “We are aware of the proposal and it is currently under consideration” responded Robert Van Bueller, Deputy Director for South Asian Affairs at the State Department, “as usual we need to vet any policy changes against the United States’ strategic objectives in the region. Having said that, we are always open to creative ideas that will help the people of Pakistan.”
Reactions from other parts of the region are starting to come in. Shortly after making the plan public, President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan responded to the proposal by issuing a statement applauding President Zardari for his creativity and leadership. “This plan, if accepted, will help usher in a new age of prosperity for Pakistan, and we in Afghanistan will look very closely at how we can adopt a similar approach.”
While Zardari is hopeful for a positive result, others from within his administration are expressing concerns about the new program. “I made a deal with that bastard, and now he is backing out” responded Husain Haqqani, Pakistani ambassador to the US. Haqqani, who is known to regularly adjust his political affiliation, said he was not consulted on the policy change and questioned whether it was in the best interests of Pakistan. Sources inside his office indicated that the ambassador has already made several calls to former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif.
