EP: Atlanta – In what is considered a bold, unorthodox move to improve the news network’s credibility, CNN has officially hired Ariel Sharon, the former Israeli Prime Minister, to be its Senior Middle East correspondent replacing 20-year veteran Octavia Nasr. Nasr was fired earlier this week for expressing respect for Hassan Fadlallah, a shiite religious leader with ties to Hezbullah who recently passed away. Network executives at CNN felt Nasr no longer had credibility to report on Middle East issues effectively, and are excited to turn to Sharon who they believe can provide the “insider” perspective on Middle East politics and policy that viewers and advertisers are craving.
Ariel Sharon, seen here during his more active days, has accepted a position with CNN as Senior Middle East correspondent. The comatose Sharon, who remains in a vegetative state, has apparently slimmed down since his stroke in 2006.
“Don’t get me wrong here, it will be a challenge as Sharon is in a permanent vegetative state. This means location shoots and actual reporting are simply not possible” explained CNN Senior Executive Producer James Johnson “but we believe that simply putting a camera on Sharon in his hospital room will be far more insightful than whatever Nasr could put together.”
Several executives within CNN were relieved the woman with the “Arab” sounding last name is no longer with the network. “I mean come on this isn’t Al-Jazeera, her last name was ‘Nasr’ how credible a journalist can you be in the Middle East when its clear by your last name that you will be shilling for those Arabs” said one senior executive who wished to remain anonymous. The recent firing of Nasr also sparked rumors at NBC that morning host Hoda Kotb could also find herself without a job. “Give me a break, her name is not Kotb, it is Qutb – as in Sayyid Qutb” remarked another network insider who also wished to remain anonymous.
Wolf Blitzer, a long time CNN anchor and former lobbyist for AIPAC, the largest pro-Israeli lobbying group in America, believes the move will only make the network stronger. “My experience with AIPAC has been very important in informing how I frame issues on my show. Without that background its not clear exactly how I could be objective about the region. I think Sharon’s experience as a politician will be incalculable” said Blitzer during last night’s episode of his program the Situation Room.
Sharon was unable to comment due to lack of brain function, but a spokesman for the resting former Prime Minister was upbeat. “Ariel Sharon already has a place in history for leading the massacre of innocents in Sabra and Shatilla. Now we believe he can open a new chapter for himself by demonstrating to the world that a persistent vegetative state is no obstacle to misinforming the world about what is really going on in the Middle East.”
CNN shares were up sharply after the announcement.
EP: Pentagon – United States military officials were summoned for an emergency meeting at the Pentagon the evening to June 26th immediately following a heart-breaking 2-1 US loss to Ghana in the first elimination round of the World Cup tournament. While details about the meeting were not made available to the public, sources inside the Obama administration claim that an effort is underway to organize an America invasion force into the tiny west-African nation.
Members of the Ghanaian World Cup team celebrate their 2-1 elimination victory over the US. Many expect the US to invade Ghana and kidnap its top players for the 2014 World Cup.
The following day during a round of interviews on Sunday morning talk-shows, Defense Secretary Robert Gates began articulating to the American public what many believe to be a rationale for invading Ghana. “Following a second elimination loss to the Ghana in as many tournaments, its clear Ghana is seeking to challenge American supremacy around the world. This is not something we can allow to happen, nor is it something we will take lightly. The United States is the most powerful nation in the history of the earth, and we will not come in second to any nation in anything, especially not Ghana.” Gates also indicated that the ultimate goal of the invasion, in addition to discovering mineral or oil deposits, would be to implement what he called “extraordinary reverse-rendition” where the top members of the Ghanaian football (soccer) team are captured and re-located to the United States for forced-naturalization, making them eligible to play on behalf of the US team in the 2014 World Cup. The controversial practice is seen by many as a modified version of “extraordinary rendition,” a policy where persons of interest are apprehended by the US government, and through extrajudicial transfer, are remanded into the custody of foreign governments, usually for the purposes of torture. “Even if they don’t end up playing for us, at least they won’t be playing for Ghana – that is for sure” added Gates.
Some human rights groups have criticized the process arguing that it is in direct contravention of international law and violates a number of treaties to which the US is a signatory. Gates dismissed the protests adding “we all know these people would give their right arm to be Americans, so what’s the big deal? Anyways, since they are coming here to play soccer they don’t really need their right arms so we will keep that in mind if they are not cooperative.”
As the run-up to a possible invasion gains momentum, some are questioning whether the financial and military resources required for such an effort are worth it. When asked to comment about a potential invasion, James O’Connor, a auto-mechanic from Detroit, responded “what they heck is a Ghana?”
BP Seeks to Charge Clean-Up Crews for Recovered Oil
May 21, 2010
EP: Baton Rouge – In the oil infested toxic swamp now surrounding his house in southern Louisiana, George Jones methodically scoops a bucket full of oil into a makeshift tank. “It has been a tough past couple weeks” he said, struggling to capture the oily residues that contaminates his property, “lost my job, my property is basically ruined and all the fish that used to live here are all dead.” However, Mr. Jones’ troubles continue to mount. He recently recieved a letter from British Petroleum (BP), the company responsible for the oil spill, that he will be charged market rates for all the oil that he collects from his property. “This is insane” said George “is there a scenario where these people don’t make money?”
Tony Hayward, BP CEO, believes the company can still make money from oil spilled into the ocean, even if its filling the lungs of dead animals.
During a press conference today CEO of BP Tony Hayward announced that as a part of the overall recovery effort, BP will be charging all non-BP clean-up crews for oil collected from the ocean on a per liter basis. “If you think about it, that oil belongs to us, and it still does even if its spilled all over the ocean” explained Hayward. Later in the conference he articulated the rationale behind the decision, “our shareholders will want to make sure that whether our oil is fueling a vehicle or filling the lungs of some pelican, they get some return on it.” The move will likely be considered highly controversial given BP’s admitted responsibility in what is now estimated to be a $625 million clean up operation. ”Look, I think its only reasonable here. This oil spill is literally a drop in the ocean. I saw on the Discovery channel the other day that there are 326 million trillion gallons of water on earth, and what are we spilling right now – 75,000 gallons a day? Probably more? Thats not a lot when you think about it. What isn’t a drop in the ocean are my quarterly earnings reports.” added Hayward during the question and answer session.
Environmental activists were upset by the announcement, arguing that asking people to pay for cleaning up the oil spill is outrageous. However, response from the White House was muted. “You know, personally I wouldn’t charge people for the oil they clean up because I think that is in bad taste, and so does the President” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “but they have a point, it is their oil. I mean, if i dropped a dollar bill on the street, technically it would be my right to ask whoever picked it up to give it back to me.”
Jim Johnson, a professor at the London School of Economics, believes that the oil industry is taking this opportunity to reassert itself in the economy. “Look, its been embarassing for the oil executives to watch as Wall Street bankers continue to fleece the American public for billions and billions of dollars. They really want to show the world that no one manipulates policy and markets for personal financial gain better than they do.”
EP: NYC – A recent Gallup poll of Pakistanis in America revealed that Pakistani-American men between the ages of 26 and 37 who are married with children and working in professional occupations have rapidly developed a seething hatred of Faisal Shahzad, the 30 year old suspected Time Square bomber. Among other findings, the poll indicated that 93% approved of corporal punishment for Shahzad while 86% offered their own services to interrogate the alleged bomber.
A recent survey by Gallup discovered that 22% of all Pakistani American males have either the name Faisal or Shahzad somewhere in their names.
The results of the poll suggest a realization that Shahzad’s actions will likely cast greater suspicion on the group. “Its bad enough that this guy is Pakistani and did what he did, but on top of that he decided to get a graduate degree, get married and have two kids” said Faisal Aziz, a 33 year old Pakistani American working as a financial analyst in New York City. “I mean the only two things I had going for me at airport security was my fancy career and pictures of my kids – and now this idiot has even taken THAT away from me” he added.
Jeff Jones, an analyst for Gallup, believes Aziz’s sentiments are shared by many within the community. “It turns out that about 67% of Pakistani American males have a graduate degree and have at some point in their career’s worked as a financial analyst. In addition, about 22 % have either Faisal or Shahzad as either their first or last names. The reality is this is going to cast a very wide net, a lot of people are going to be affected.”
Some Pakistani Americans are going to extreme measures to escape the association with Shahzad and his actions. Faisal Sultan, a 35 year old investment banker from Rhode Island, is in the process of legally changing his name to Fred Smith. “I’ve had it, there is no point if being associated with these people anymore” said the soon to be Fred Smith, “when people ask me where I am originally from I will just say I was adopted and don’t know where my real parents came from - I am sure my parents will understand. At least I will get some sympathy for once in my life.”
Others are taking a more practical approach to the situation. Faisal Saleem, a 29 year old graduate student in finance, spoke with reporters before boarding a plane at New York’s JFK airport. “I know its only going to get worse, so basically I have decided that from now on I will only travel wearing a tank top and a speedos. This is what this idiot bomber has brought us to” complained Saleem as he boarded the plane.
EP: NYC – Goldman Sachs remains at the forefront of financial alchemy by establishing a system whereby it is impossible for the company to lose money. “We have always been innovators in the field of finance” said Goldman CEO LLoyd Blankfein, “but when some of my top guys came to me with this one, I was really impressed.” Under the trading scheme, Goldman Sachs will short its own stock. This means as the company deals with troubling allegations of fraud and financial malfeasance, it will continue to bet against itself, canceling out any losses on its balance sheet related to its falling stock value. The trades are executed by borrowing from the Federal Reserve at no interest. Jim Johnson, a trader for Goldman, informed reporters that “on a conference call with employees this morning, Mr. Blankfein assured everyone our bonuses will be intact.”
Larry Summers, economic adviser to the President, smiles after reporters ask whether he will join the board of Goldman Sachs after leaving the Obama administration.
Economic adviser to the President and former Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers recognized that voters could be upset by the approach, but assured them that “this is how the market works to correct itself and people have nothing to worry about.” He added “Look, we live in a free market economy so we cannot stifle innovation based on some sort of populist outrage. If you do not like what Goldman is doing, then basically you hate freedom and are no better than the terrorists.”
In an effort to appease critics, Goldman Sachs has limited the use of the “shorting our own stock” strategy to Goldman Sachs executives.
EP: NYC- After weeks of garnering headlines for withholding medical care from sick, dying and otherwise desperate Americans, health insurance executives breathed a sigh of relief today. Wall Street bankers recently began drawing a majority of the media’s attention, spurred by recent fraud allegations leveled against Goldman Sachs by the SEC. James O’Connor, a senior communications executive at a large health insurance company he would rather not name (Aetna), welcomed the distraction but remained vigilant regarding the industry’s image. “Since Obama passed that health care bill we have been able to limit care and increase premiums without too much public outrage. But at the same time I realize this may not last.”
President Obama meets with representatives from the Health Care Industry who urge him to reconsider dropping "cancer" from the list of ailments they are required to cover.
O’Connor’s concerns are shared by others within the industry. “It seems that the public tends to get more angry when they see people dying versus when they see old bald white men steal billions of dollars” explained Jeff Reiser, of Unicare. “Its really hard to get your head around billions of dollars, but its easy to understand how someone dies if you do not treat their ailments. Come to think of it, I really should have gone into investment banking” he added.
Others are more optimistic about the future of the health insurance business. Some cite the recent health care reform bill as case in point. According to industry insiders, the strategy many insurance companies plan to execute involves adding millions of customers now mandated to purchase insurance without actually paying for any of their health care. “Its really a win win for us thanks to President Obama. If things go wrong people will blame him and not us” explained a senior executive in charge of patient care who wished that both his name and company remain anonymous (Kaiser Permanente).
The media’s recent focus on banking has also had an affect on several politicians, including Senator Max Baucus, who now feels more comfortable holding fundraisers with health insurance executives. “For a while there I almost felt like people would throw me out of office for being a health care industry lackey, but things seem to be back to normal now” said the Senator from Montana.
EP: Hebron- On a regular day you might find Ramzi Hasan in better spirits. The 19 year old Palestinian lived in Hebron most of his life, and despite decades of brutal occupation by the Israelis, was a relative optimist when it came to the future of his people. However, the announcement earlier today by Tiger Woods has left many Palestinians wondering when, if ever, they will catch a break. “Why did we have get stuck with Tiger Woods?” Ramzi wondered out loud, “if it was a year ago fine, but as soon as his reputation goes in the crapper he has to associate himself with us? Unbelievable.”
After selecting Palestine as his celebrity cause, Woods hired some Arabs to explain how he can best use the conflict to distract the media from his personal failings. Here he is seen discussing plans to build a golf course in the West Bank.
Woods, whose reputation is still recovering from recent scandals, announced at a press conference in the run-up to his highly anticipated return to golf that he will use his celebrity to bring attention to the plight of the Palestinian people who he said “have been suffering way too long, or so I’ve heard.” Sources close to Woods confirmed that the world’s best golfer contacted several charitable causes since the story of his infidelity broke, offering to make them his “cause celebre.” However, he was not able to come to any suitable arrangement and ultimately decided on Palestine by process of elimination. “Palestine has not been championed by any A-list celebrity for more than a few decades, so I hope that my star power can solve whatever problems they are having over there” remarked Woods in a prepared statement.
Many are criticizing the timing of Woods announcement claiming that his advocacy for the Palestinian people is a publicity stunt to distract the media from his personal failings. “Its very clear that Woods’ public image is under incredible pressure right now” explained John Forster, Senior Editor for US Weekly. In a phone interview he laid out the possible rationale for Woods’ announcement: “Celebrities normally pick much ‘safer’ or non-controversial causes such as finding a cure for cancer or saving cute animals like baby seals. Who wouldn’t want to support that? Given how controversial Palestine is, this means Woods is making a calculated bet that the endorsement dollars he will loose by supporting the Palestinians are less than the endorsement dollars he will loose by allowing his marital infidelities to remain in the headlines. Its really a bold PR move. If this helps his bottom line, who knows, maybe more celebrities will start picking Palestine as their cause.”
If distracting the media was his goal, then Woods apparently succeeded. All three major networks led their evening broadcasts with footage of Woods’ announcement regarding Palestine. CNN has already announced it will preempt regularly scheduled programming to air a special detailing Woods’ new found passion for liberating the Palestinian people.
However, Palestinians remain unimpressed. “Darfur gets George Clooney. A bunch of kids from Malawi get to go live in Madonna’s Manhattan apartment. The environment gets everybody from Al Gore to Leo DiCaprio. And we get Tiger Woods, after his brand is completely ruined. Why not throw John Edwards and Eric Massa in for good measure?” remarked Fadi El-Zubayri, a Palestinian from Gaza city.
EP: Adrian, Michigan – American Muslim groups around the country are breathing a sigh of relief after learning an extremist religious group from Michigan that planned to kill local law enforcement has no links to Islam or Muslims. “While its a little awkward to celebrate, I would be lying if I said I didn’t high-five my co-workers when we heard who was behind this” said Yusuf Aziz, a press officer who works at the Islamic Society of North America, the largest Muslim American organization in the country. “I mean, take a look at the mug shots – those are some real pasty looking white people. This a buzz-cut-or-mullet crowd, there is no mistaking these guys for Muslims.”
Nine members of the Christian militia group Hutaree were arrested for planning to kill law enforcement officers. Muslims are confident there is no way they can be linked to Islam.
Nine members of the group were arrested in connection with the plan that included murdering an unidentified officer and attacking the subsequent funeral procession with improvised explosive devices. The ultimate goal of the apocalyptic Christian group was to spark a rebellion against the Anti-Christ, who they believe has partnered with the government.
“If you were to tell me you just heard a story on the news that involved the following: bombs, a plot to kill Americans, a group of crazed religious nut-jobs and an FBI sting operation, I would have bet Muslims had something to do with it” explained Abdul Hafeez Khan, an Imam at a local mosque in Michigan. “But in this case there was absolutely no connection to Islam in any way whatsoever. I was kind of holding my breath waiting for one of them to have the middle name ‘Hussein’ or something like that, but really there was no connection. Who would have thought?”
The Muslim community’s foremost advocacy group, the Council on American Islamic Relations (CAIR), had little to say about the event. “Nothing to complain about on this one” said Ibrahim Hooper, communications director for the organization, “they are even calling these guys a Christian militia which is kind of a double edged sword for us. On the one hand its nice to see some other faith pay its dues in the media, but at the same time I have this great talking point about how whenever a Muslim does something bad we call it ‘Islamic’ violence but when a Christian or Jew does something bad its just violence. Now I can’t use that anymore.”
Even long-time Islam critic Daniel Pipes does not believe there is a credible link between the Hutaree and Muslim extremist groups. “Radical Islam has effectively spread its message across the United States for years. However, it was never successful with the trailer park demographic – I don’t think there is an Islam connection here.”
See: Militia Charged With Plotting to Murder Officers (NY Times)
EP: Washington DC – The American Israel Public Affairs Committee, or AIPAC, lashed out against the Obama administration for rhetoric that was “clearly in the interests of the United States.” David Victor, the current president of the group, held a press conference today in which he said “we don’t pay these people to talk about what is good for America.” Victor was responding to a series of communications over the past week from Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton that harshly criticized the building of Jewish settlements on Palestinian land.
“Given the numerous issues Obama is dealing with right now, Israel’s building of settlements could hardly have come at a worse time” acknowledged Victor, “but that is why we pay these politicians the big dollars - so we don’t have to worry about what is going on in America. They need to figure that out on their own time.”
President Obama and David Victor of AIPAC wave to a group of Palestinians displaced by new Israeli settlements. Victor later informed Obama of his decision to send US troops into Iran.
AIPAC does not directly contribute to election campaigns, but does support an overall effort amongst pro-Israel groups that donate over $10 million every election cycle, mostly to Democrats. The controversy has led many within AIPAC to look towards other strategic political partnerships to ensure that American foreign policy in the Middle East remains firmly disassociated with its national interests in the region. Some within the organization expressed interest in pursuing a closer relationship with Christian Zionist groups who believe that the establishment of the state of Israel was a precursor to the second coming of Christ, and that a war between the Jews and Arabs was prophesized in the Bible. “To tell you the truth, it’s a little awkward from our perspective because we don’t really buy into the second coming. However, we are pushing an irrational policy from the American perspective, so it makes sense to have irrational allies” explained Victor who is in favor of pursuing the alliance.
Some AIPAC supporters believe the uproar by the Obama administration over the settlement issue demonstrates a rather naive understanding of how Washington DC works. “Really, I mean come on. If Obama is so upset over us building some houses in Palestine, how exactly will he respond when I order American troops into Iran?” asked Victor.
EP: NYC – Lost in the populist uproar over securing consumer’s rights, a group of bankers in NYC have formed a new association called Human Rights for Bankers (HRB). HRB is currently lobbying congress for the establishment of a new federal agency that will protect the basic rights of bankers from growing populist outrage. “We have all the same problems as every else” says Evan Kurtz, one of the founding members of the group, “while most of us are divorced and don’t have normal families, we do have hefty alimony payments. We have multiple car payments and a lot of us are covering a second mortgage on vacation homes” he explained. “It is totally unfair that consumers would be afforded a protection agency while bankers are left out in the cold. We are human beings like anyone else, if you prick us do we not bleed?.” Kurtz was referring to the Consumer Financial Protection Agency, the proposed Federal agency at the center of the Obama administration’s attempt to reform the financial system.
In this image a banker is made to look evil and menacing. A new grassroots movement of bankers seeks to confront prejudice against the banking community.
HRB claims that anger over bonuses for bankers in the wake of the recent financial crisis has created a hostile climate towards the group that requires immediate government intervention. “America has a history of demonizing minorities, and given the scary level of rhetoric that we see on the blogs and the airwaves, I really feel like we need to address this situation before it escalates” said James Worthington III, from his Westchester estate several miles outside Manhattan. Worthington is a senior vice president with Citibank and has golfed with President Obama on numerous occasions. “It is not much different than what the Blacks, Jews and other ethnic types experienced, this kind of hate-filled rhetoric knows no color. We need to confront this kind of demonization directly.” he added.
However, not all agree that bankers require a new agency to ensure their rights. “This is complete nonsense” argues Andrew Smith, a consumer advocate and proponent of a new Consumer Protection Agency, “if these people get this through Congress we all might as well adopt banking practices from Nigerian email scams. Its really no different at this point.”
Kurtz dismissed such concerns. “There will always be a fringe communist groups who want to abolish our market economy” he explained. Far more concerned with getting his organization off the ground, he went right back into articulating why there needs to be a banker’s rights movement. “We need our human rights secured, including our right to be paid bonuses according to market rates and our right to be free of threatening hate speech. I mean the way words like ‘greedy’ and ‘opportunistic’ are thrown around, its as if we are in 1960′s Mobile, Alabama.” The HRB is also lobbying congress to ban all “hate speech” directed towards bankers, loosely defined as any speech that could incite violence against the banking community or diminish their profits.
Max Baucus, a democratic senator for Minnesota, believes that its important to protect minority rights and is firmly behind the banker’s movement. “Was it not Jefferson who said something about not being held hostage to the tyranny of the majority? We need to make sure all our citizens are protected” argued the senator, who was the keynote speaker at the most recent National Mortgage Banker’s annual convention.
